6/6/2024

This is my first entry on this site, it's been a long time coming. I haven't written a journal entry in a while, especially in an actual notebook. This morning I weighed myself and I was back at my lowest weight, despite losing 64.3 pounds, I still have 20 more to go. I suppose I can be proud of myself for now, plent of people would've yo-yo'd by now. My 1 year anniversary to my eating disorder is in July. I think I might spend another birthday alone and unhappy. "Cheat days" are for losers and wannarexics. Perhaps I should do a metabolism day where I eat 800 cal intead of 600. Is being Anorexic inheritaly a female thing to do? I don't see many men with this disorder, and the "men" I do see are transgender. I don't count those, there's biological differences. I've been trying to update this site as much as I can. I'm planning on working on more reviews soon, so watch out for that. Today, my money hit my debit card, so I order a "Duck! The Carbine High Massacre" DVD and a KMFDM & Dethradiorecords.Online shirt. I also bought my boyfriend Discord nitro so he could use animated emojis. I'm losing the need to eat, I feel. I'm unsure, I've just been so stressed lately. There's cameras inside and outside my house, my mother had to change the locks. Everyday I'm afraid that something will happen to her. I just want to move on with my life. I start school again after 2 years in August. August 9th. Highschool, oh god. I hope I won't get bullied again. I don't want to spiral back into that. In 7th grade a kid was bullying me, so I cut myself in the middle of history class infront of him, and you know what this fucker did? He laughed.

6/11/2024

It's been a reeeeeeaaaallll shitty week, I must say. On Monday i went to see a new therapist, he was cool, new Monty Python and stuff, but while trying to discuss my eating disorder he didn't know the words for anorexic or bulimic or binge eating. He described anorexic as, "not eating for a while and then eating a lot" which is RIDICULOUS! I sat there and told this man I fasted for about 20 days and eat at most 600 calories a day and he STILL PROCEEDED TO TELL ME I DON'T HAVE AN EATING DISORDER. I believe he also implied that I needed to diet. He said to me that I just need to learn to do it healthy and asked what my weight was. Afterwards, I was so fucking panicked and pissed. I was convinced that I wasn't starving enough to be a REAL anorexic. I sobbed in the car as my mother drove me home. I threw out all the food in my house so I couldn't eat (I haven't eaten since), and I relapsed on my self harm after MONTHS of being clean. I've lost about 3 pounds since then, I was 150lbs and now I'm 147lbs. I think it was the stress and fasting that did it. Today will be better hopefully, my Dethradiorecords.Online shirt is arriving later and I'm going to OMAD on 390 cal oatmeal icecream as a treat.

6/17/2024

Wie gehts, heh? Whatever. Hello, hey, what's up, I'm back and updating again. Today's been weird. The past week has been weird. I thought I was gaining, but nope, I'm still at 147lbs. "You can always be thinner, look better," Ya know? I visited one of my grandmothers and cousin after nearly 3 years of no contact. It went... okay. She was shocked about the amount of weight I had lost, kept calling me skinny (eGo BoOsT!). My Duck! DVD had to be postponed, but my other shirts arrived. I went bowling, got some new CDs & DVDs. It was fun. For the Fourth of July I'm going to IKEA to get one of those big sharks. I already have a small one, so might as well get the WHOLE family. Overall I've just had a very positive week. I am IP banned from Tumblr though, shame.

7/2/2024

Wasssup everybody, hello my dear reader. Yes, you. I'm talkin' SPECIFICALLY to you, the person reading this. Alright, ignore the parasocialness of that. Fuckin' FREAK! (me, not you).. I've been a bit busy lately. My Discord got disabled, because apprently I made too many jokes about being under 13 (I was born before 2010, are you fuckin' serious?) I updated my contact section, so if you had me added on Discord, please go recheck that and add me on my new account. I'm going on a road trip this weekend, going to get some new close and go thriftin'! Hell yeahhhHHH baybee..! I ordered a DDR soft pad online for Stepmania. It's supposed to come this weekend on Saturday, then my mom's gonna help me hard mod it. I'm at new LW, 143lbs. Thank fuck, I'm so close to the 130's! Nothin' else interesting has really been happening... I got a VHS player and some WW2 history VHS tapes though, haven't watched them yet. Oh well.

7/9/2024

Here we go AGAIN! Another entry for the books. I started therapy recently, the lady is nice, understanding. They're going to get me an Autism diagnosis finally; instead of just saying I'm too smart to have Autism. She also wants to test me for ADHD? Oh well. While in the session I told her that I thought I wasn't fat or skinny, but chubby. For clarification, she specializes in eating disorders and that was why me saying that was brought up. Anywho, I told her that and she looked at me funny and then went on a tangant about body dysmorphia LOL! I told her about my WW2 Nazi Germany interest and she shared that she had majored in history in college... Epic... Coolio... New LW has been hit. I'm 142.1lb, finally BMI 22.9. I hope to be in the 130's by the time school starts in August (the 9th). I got ANOTHER KMFDM shirt, it's the Naive one that's orange. I also.. uh,, ordered a body pillow cover.. and Pablo died! Fuck! May he rest in peace. He jumped the border from this life to another, heh.

7/16/2024

Hello world! It is I, Reznor! I went to my second therapy appointment today... it went well (:! I got very depressed recently, I didn't eat or drink water for nearly 3 days and dropped about 4lbs (I am now 138lb). I got a hair cut and dyed my hair back to it's natural color of brown. Someone on Tw*tter said, "Welcome back, Eric Harris".... LOL! My body pillow cover arrived, I love it. This weekend I'm gunna go garage sale-ing with my mom, hopefully we find some good shit. Ya know what they said! One mans trash is another mans treasure! Uhh,mm... hm, I'm not sure what else to write, but I don't want this to be short... I got semi-popular on Tiktok.. that was odd. Oh well, I think I'd kill myself if I ended up as a niche internet celeb. I've done too many bad things and I'd be cancelled IMMEEDITATLY!!!!

9/1/2024

It's been a while, hasn't it? Big update today as I try to recount all of my mini-misadventures that I've had in the past month. I went to the psych ward. It was pretty shitty. I had attempted to hang myself and had actually passed out and woke up on the floor. I'm still so shocked that I didn't die. I had a panic attack and sobbed on the ground for a good 10 minutes and screamed. While at the ward I was put on a level two, which meant that they had to listen to me use the bathroom and I had to be constantly on watch. I also had to sleep out in the dayroom, on the floor. I have ARFID, which means that I have to eat really specific safe foods. My mother told the staff about this when I had gotten admitted, but they just marked me down as vegetarian. I fasted for about 2 - 3 days while at the ward, unwillingly of course. I wanted to eat, but nothing they had was deemed safe in my mind. For the next few days I just ate strawberries and bananas. When I got out of the ward I felt disgusted with how thin my body looked and felt. On about... hm, day 3, I had a huge mental breakdown. I suffer from PTSD & MPD (now more commonly known as DID, but MPD feels easier to explain because the name is straight to the point), and I kept forgetting where I was. I was so, so out of it. Everything in my mind now is just blurry, cut in bits and pieces, and in third person. I had regressed into a childlike state and kept telling the staff that I felt like a dog and that I wanted my mommy. So fucking embarrassing, but now I know I have a child personality. I had suspected this before, because the regressing isn't something new, but to actually have the memory gaps along with other peoples accounts of me acting like that just confirms it. Apparently, my mom had came to visit while I was crying to the staff, so then I went to see my mom. In my mind, this visit was only about 5 minutes, but it was around 45 minutes in reality. My mom said that I had a tantrum or something on the floor and cried to her about how I wasn't safe and kept repeating the same things over and over again. She also said I was kneeling on the floor holding onto her the entire time. After the visit I also apparently had an outburst at a staff member, which I have no memory of whatsoever. Anyways, I started school again, public school. I am in highschool, by the way. I take Ap history & computer science. Yay! Next semester I'll be taking psychology. I have a few friends, one of which looks and acts liek Bobby Lemon. He's cool though, likes metal and DOOM. He's having me join the D&D club with him. Another one of my friends, who's a girl, likes to PANTS ME in the middle of the cafeteria. This has happened about 2 times now, one of which almost got my boxers pulled down as well. That's all. Whoever you are, dear reader, if someone is reading this; I hope you have a nice day. I plan to update somewhat soon. And the universe said, I love you because you are love.